Thank you so much for this. As a sufferer of PMDD/ADHD, I wholly disagree with the comment here about “seeing your partner for who he truly is.” Mental illness is real and cognitive distortion is real — when I’m PMDDing, I know my brain is sabotaging me and there’s even some twisted satisfaction in it. I refuse to believe that this is the “real me,” especially considering that I’m in the first happy and healthy relationship I’ve ever been in my life.
I refuse to believe that when I call my partner once a month crying because of some imagined cheating scenario with no basis in reality that this is “the reality” of my situation. Sorry, nope. Imbalances are happening that are making my brain lie to me. It happens. Delusions are real and they happen in severe cases. It was only when I started treating my PMDD with awareness and compassion for myself (as well as SSRIs!) that I stopped sabotaging my relationship once a month.
For people who don’t deal with severe PMDD/ADHD’s (at least, for me) psychosis-like symptoms, it’s hard to understand how your brain/hormones are capable of blatantly lying to you AND making you believe that lie. But it happens. I wish people took us for our word instead of suggesting that “we’re seeing things for what they truly are” during a PMDD episode.
Sorry to rant. It just really hit a nerve to see that response to such a thorough and insightful piece about your mental health experience.
Great work on this piece. I felt so seen reading it.
Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience - ranting is encouraged :). I try to always stress that it's very likely that women can experience similar symptoms for different reasons. While some women may be depressing real concerns they have about their relationship that come out premenstrually, for others, the relationship may be truly happy and healthy, but the premenstrual symptoms may be causing cognitive distortions and even delusions. As I've written in another article, while I do work with different "parts" that come up in different phases of the cycle, I don't like the concept that one of them is the "real you" and the other isn't. The more we share our different experiences, the better understanding we will have regarding premenstrual disorders.
Given that most heterosexual relationships are grossly inequitable, I consider it far more likely that the pre-menstrual state is when women cut through the bullshit of patriarchal conditioning, and see their partner for who he actually is 🤷♀️ but moreso I think finding biological explanations for why women are unhappy in relationships perpetuates the idea that women’s hormones are impairing their logical thinking abilities.
I wasn't going for the idea that women's hormones are impairing our logical thinking abilities, quite the opposite. I wonder if anything in the article gave that impression?
As a sufferer of severe PMDD/ADHD, this feels like a stigmatization and erasure of my experience. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to come off like that, but I’ve experienced severe cognitive distortions that have caused me to sabotage my healthy, happy relationship once a month. It was only after being treated with therapy and SSRIs that I was able to unpack my misdirected anger and stop putting my incredible, compassionate partner through hell once a month.
Moreover, same-sex couples experience this too. I know of many women who experience this with their female partners, which is mentioned in this article as well.
This was such a wonderful read, full of so many great resources (and memes)!
Love this. Explains so much and really helpful in developing some self-compassion 💜
Thank you so much for this. As a sufferer of PMDD/ADHD, I wholly disagree with the comment here about “seeing your partner for who he truly is.” Mental illness is real and cognitive distortion is real — when I’m PMDDing, I know my brain is sabotaging me and there’s even some twisted satisfaction in it. I refuse to believe that this is the “real me,” especially considering that I’m in the first happy and healthy relationship I’ve ever been in my life.
I refuse to believe that when I call my partner once a month crying because of some imagined cheating scenario with no basis in reality that this is “the reality” of my situation. Sorry, nope. Imbalances are happening that are making my brain lie to me. It happens. Delusions are real and they happen in severe cases. It was only when I started treating my PMDD with awareness and compassion for myself (as well as SSRIs!) that I stopped sabotaging my relationship once a month.
For people who don’t deal with severe PMDD/ADHD’s (at least, for me) psychosis-like symptoms, it’s hard to understand how your brain/hormones are capable of blatantly lying to you AND making you believe that lie. But it happens. I wish people took us for our word instead of suggesting that “we’re seeing things for what they truly are” during a PMDD episode.
Sorry to rant. It just really hit a nerve to see that response to such a thorough and insightful piece about your mental health experience.
Great work on this piece. I felt so seen reading it.
Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience - ranting is encouraged :). I try to always stress that it's very likely that women can experience similar symptoms for different reasons. While some women may be depressing real concerns they have about their relationship that come out premenstrually, for others, the relationship may be truly happy and healthy, but the premenstrual symptoms may be causing cognitive distortions and even delusions. As I've written in another article, while I do work with different "parts" that come up in different phases of the cycle, I don't like the concept that one of them is the "real you" and the other isn't. The more we share our different experiences, the better understanding we will have regarding premenstrual disorders.
Given that most heterosexual relationships are grossly inequitable, I consider it far more likely that the pre-menstrual state is when women cut through the bullshit of patriarchal conditioning, and see their partner for who he actually is 🤷♀️ but moreso I think finding biological explanations for why women are unhappy in relationships perpetuates the idea that women’s hormones are impairing their logical thinking abilities.
I wasn't going for the idea that women's hormones are impairing our logical thinking abilities, quite the opposite. I wonder if anything in the article gave that impression?
As a sufferer of severe PMDD/ADHD, this feels like a stigmatization and erasure of my experience. I’m sure you didn’t mean it to come off like that, but I’ve experienced severe cognitive distortions that have caused me to sabotage my healthy, happy relationship once a month. It was only after being treated with therapy and SSRIs that I was able to unpack my misdirected anger and stop putting my incredible, compassionate partner through hell once a month.
Moreover, same-sex couples experience this too. I know of many women who experience this with their female partners, which is mentioned in this article as well.
Just some food for thought.